My raven

in the window i find that raven sitting there
sitting there mocking me in its bestial presence
its taunt to fly away at any moment
any moment too scary
any moment too frightning

father struck me today
he said i wasn't good enough
i wasn't man enough

i saw that raven watching me in my bedroom
as i wipe my tears and blood from my face
i contort it to hide my fear and desperation
i shout at it when it pitied me

mother told me i wasn't right
to get counselling to deal with my "problem"
to see if i can get help for my disease

raven came in through my window with a razor
he dropped onto my lap
he sat there on my leg looking at me
i was scared that it knew me too well

i had a pocket knife in my hand today
i wondered what death would be like
what it's like to have a slit throat
a slit wrist or a slit anything

i woke up and found myself wondering if my raven
my dreamt up raven would be back today
to tell me that it was all
just a dream
a horrible horrible dream

i wanted to cry
i wanted to make my raven real
i wanted to live and die at the same time